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Getting ready for Christmas

Now that there is snow on the ground where I live, the looming spectre of Christmas is upon me.

Christmas with my family was never fun. 
My mother was all about witholding and control. When we were small children we were not allowed up on Christmas morning until she was. Then we were allowed to open only one present before breakfast. After a slow, leisurely breakfast we would sit there just vibrating while we had to wait for my parents' coffee to finish brewing and be served before we were FINALLY allowed to open another present.
Then there was the "stress".  Christmas (like every other holiday) ended with my mom crying and wailing that no one helped her, no one appreciated her, etc, etc. Keep in mind that this goes back to when we were tiny children who couldn't possibly be expected to know HOW to help. Even as teenagers if you dared enter the kitchen when she was cooking she didn't want help, she wanted you to get the fuck out of her way.
As adults we tried to …

"Elder Orphans"

I came across this article the other day:

COMMENTARY || Will you be old and ‘unbefriended?’ As the population of “elder orphans” grows, research is needed so that we can develop effective systems of public guardianship and care.Individuals who have no family caregivers are known as “elder orphans”
Now this is my own fucked up life coming through, but when I read this line"Unbefriended older adults are exceptionally vulnerable to poor quality of care. Without family or friends who are familiar with their wants and needs, it is unclear if they receive treatment that is in line with their values and desires" all I could think was "you reap what you sow".
At the rate they are going, this is going to be my parents.

They are almost 70 years old and have alienated every single member of their family and most of their friends.  My mom has two groups of friends left - her university roommates that she reconnected with a few years ago and who she sees once every few years and all…

A letter to my parents

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My parents were threatening my sister and I with legal mediation (as an alternative to suing me for "abusing" them by telling people I was conceived by sperm donation). I was looking forward to the opportunity to be able to tell them I would tell anyone I want anything I wanted about my own life story, but I also knew that mediation was just another empty threat, just like suing me was.

Can you imagine? They want me to keep their secrets, so sue me and make all of them a matter of public record?  That makes sense.


As expected, mediation has not been scheduled and my dad is pretending everything is just fine. He sent my sister and I an email on Father's Day because he needed to borrow my sister's boyfriend's truck and wanted us to come to his awful "farm" and help him out.

My sister took that to mean he was "extending an olive branch." I took it to mean he just needed something.

Everything is just fine now! But only because they think they hav…

The sperm donor confirmed it....

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I got a message yesterday from the bio-aunt I had initially contacted on Facebook - her brother has admitted that he's the bio dad.

Needless to say, I cracked a bottle of wine when I got home from work.



This isn't exactly new information, she has more then one brother, but only one lived in my hometown during the time of my conception. He used to "joke" about having donated sperm, but finally admitted that he had felt bad about his brother's fertility issues and wanted to help another family.

At this point, I don't really care to ever meet the guy. What could I possible have to say to a 65 year old stranger?

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I have never been one to be superstitious or put any weight or meaning on dates or events, but there have been a few coincidences in the last few months that even I might have to take notice.

I first bought a 23andme test because I was curious about the health reports and how much neanderthal I had in me.  To my surprise, I had an anonymous half sister pop up.  I thought it was more than likely that one of my aunts had just taken the test at some point, but that little niggly "what if" led me to buy an Ancestry DNA test (they have a larger user database).




In early June this year 23andme took all anonymous people off your DNA matches.  If I had taken this test any later I never would have seen that half-sister, I never would have bought the Ancestry DNA test, and I never would have discovered I was donor conceived.

Next coincidence, I figured out I was donor conceived just days after my social dad's only brother died from cancer.  My uncle was the only family member on my…

Finding my sister's bio dad

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In the weeks between figuring out my own DNA results and my parents FINALLY confirming that my sister and I were donor conceived I made my sister take an Ancestry DNA test.  I figured that even if they never admitted anything, I would be able to tell from her results.

They have since come back, but unfortunately her closest relative that Ancestry estimates to be a 2nd cousin with 361 shared centimorgans.

Just an aside on the goddamn centimorgans, I have learned more about biology and DNA and genes and chromosome in the last month than in all my years of schooling. I have come to realize my high school science education was absolute crap. Did you know that the odds of two blue eyed parents having a non-blued eyed child is about 1%? I sure didn't!!!


ANYWAY, according to to the DNA Painter tool, this guy could be a great-great uncle, or a whole bunch of different types of half somethings or cousins removed. Not too helpful at this point, but he's all we have to work with so far..…

Another shitty year, another shitty birthday

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I don't know if my parent's acknowledged my birthday in any way this year as I had to block their phone number and email addresses after they claimed they were going to sue me for elder abuse.

It's been quite the few months.

I don't expect they did though, last year only my social father acknowledged it, my mother hasn't directly spoken to me in years. 

I've been so depressed the last two months, I was just hoping to have some rest and relaxation.  My husband and friends meant well, but they really just broke my heart.

My husband is bad at presents.  Really really bad.  I've asked him many many times to just not get me anything. For my birthday last year he bought me a subscription to the symphony.  His grand idea was that it would be a "guaranteed date night".  Except it wasn't, because he can't drive and never bothered to plan anything else around it.  And I don't like classical music. So once a month I had to drive us downtown, find…